Hiraeth

So yesterday I realised it was almost 4 months away from home, not a single visit in between. Although I dont stay at hostel but I don't even stay at home. I have never been able to associate home with a certain single place.When I am asked where from I belong, it really gets hard to just say a single name, because who I am today can't be associated with one place. I have been shaped differently by these different places, basically different people from these different places. Today I was feeling homesick, homesick to such an extent that I decided upon walking 2 km going to ganga r ghat, sit there for sometime, gather up my thoughts, come to a conclusion and then come back but I couldn't reach to a conclusion. The so called Freedom that I thought staying away from home would provide no longer felt like something to crave for. Adulting is tough. Doing everything on your own definitely gives a lot of satisfaction after its done but not before one has to start. Not able to sit with your mom and talk, not fighting with your brother , not discussing every bizarre idea with your father feels a lot lonely no matter how much freedom it provides for. Today is one such lonely day. The fact that most of the times I write what I feel and get over with the overthinking and emotions for sometime but not today. It's just not happening. Seeing my friends go over the weekend to their homes to see actual human figures standing in front of them just makes me miss it even more. Video call and all is okay but does it really quench the thirst. Today I might fall asleep but tomorrow it will come back to me. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Growth

You can't feel how far you have come until you look back once in a while. You can't for sure quantify growth but you can really see the difference. October really made me see into my personal growth this month. The month started with going to Delhi all by myself to see places which I had gone to in my childhood. Re-visiting all the places to which lot of good memories were associated with. Safdarjung tomb, Humayun's Tomb, Sundar Nursery all great places bound with historical references that my father once used to teach me. Going all the way in public transports that too in Delhi felt a little scary until and unless it was done especially with my tendency to doze off at places. But yep I managed to keep myself awake and cautious and walk and see and go and meet and everyhing I had thought about doing. Then comes the Baroda part. The homecoming started on a sad note with my mother and brother in the hospital and the so long awaited trip getting cancelled but then it was all g...
Read more

Life lately

This is kind of a personal diary entry of the last few weeks. So I would be starting with the fact that yes these last few weeks have been the best time of this year. Last year this same time I was so heartbroken, I was so not in the right mind, right mood but it's true everything passes, sooner or later everything does. And it did. Probably the best part of 2024 happened and we all know good things involve people. I had one of the nicest Durga Pooja after such a long time. Nobody had got sick, no dengue, no guy problems, complete peace of mind. I dressed up nicely, ate good food, had one of the best times teasing my brother and getting teased by him. I had one of the nicest conversations with my friend who is not my age but we trauma bonded and it just made me realise why I am this kind of person a little more intensely. I was even talking to a guy for the past few weeks and wow I have felt inspired and motivated after such a long time. I even fixed my sleep schedule and study sch...
Read more

Hormonally Possessed

When does loneliness really hit ? Is it just before going to sleep, or while travelling by train or while suddenly watching something which you crave for and yet can't get. I don't know why it has been like this but loneliness feels like a companion that's resting on my shoulder as I try to cope up with the day. I might be functioning at high productivity but still there's some part of me that I realise isn't getting satisfaction from the grill. I need to find a new coping mechanism. Somehow what has worked for so many months isn't working out at the moment. I don't know maybe I am not well thays why, or maybe it's just something I need to detox from. I was just crying out of the blue, I even insisted my best friend to let's open a dating app. I was legit feeling the absence of something I craved and at the same time didn't want.  This is all I felt on Saturday. No wonder I got my period. It all makes sense. Hormonally possessed I was. It started...
Read more